I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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