just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
