So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
