From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
