Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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