Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
we should paint friendship bongs
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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