you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
