No awkward lesbian experiences without me
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
