im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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