I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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