You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He did a backflip because drugs
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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