i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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