Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Are we still banned from the library?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
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