Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
