If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
