She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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