he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
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we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
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We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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