She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
