My entire life is one complicated drinking game
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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