Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
