The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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