The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
