it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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