I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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