you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize