he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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