I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just blew my weed a kiss
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
