alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Pants are for mortals
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
