he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
