first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
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