i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
