so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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