i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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