Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I need to sanitize my soul.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
