First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
