I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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