i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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