My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
