Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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