I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
