You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
