Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
