All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
