I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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