I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
