just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
