LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
