just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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