I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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