filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
