I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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