god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
