You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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