All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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