I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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